Number One

Happy New Year!

I'm moving slower than I had planned for this year, but trying to move gently and without expectations for 2011, since 2010 ended on a difficult note and with a feeling of uncertainy. Waking up in the early morning hours from a nightmare that is the same as my reality, continues to leave me dazed and wondering how the hell I got here and how to make it right again.  I have no answer for either.  But it is hard not to have optimistic expectations because... that is who I am.  Yet it drains me to remain in the same place and know that I will be here for a while...purgatory.  So I pray and hope that today is different.

I love today's date 1/1/11. 

It just seems optimistic to me.  I don't know, I guess I think of numbers as even and odds, and streams of data in 0s and 1s with zeros having a negative value (I mean, who wants to be zero) and one being, well you know, we all strive to be number one!  But noone wants to be the only one. And that is what I've been feeling a lot of lately.  Trying not to stay in my "pity party of one" I had a change in my perspective when I found Kristin Noelle on twitter.  We are not alone, but we have to seek out our connection to others, ask for help/support.  You will LOVE her adorable illustrations and insightful words regarding togetherness.

All I can do is lean into love and onto the shoulders of family and friends.  Sometimes, I feel I am leaning so hard, I am almost horizontal!  Is it okay to go through life right now looking up at the sky?  Looking for the silver lining, in awe of the colors of the sunrise and sunset, wishing on stars and finding angels in the clouds?  I guess it is better than lying face down in the mud, with my head in the sand...

So here is to looking UP in 2011 from whereever Iwe are! Remembering that tomorrow isn't just another day, it's a better day.
xoxoxoxo

a new day

I am so thankful to be in Mindy Tsonas' THIS MOMENT ecourse right now.  It is as if she is looking right into my life and holding my hand.  Her gentle guidance is so reassuring and the supportive words of my new class friends; have me aware of who I am and the path ahead of me. Otherwise, I may be all over the place. Seriously.

I thought I had unconditional love for my family and I thought I knew how to forgive until this past week. Holding the intervention for my husband on Sunday was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  I had to fight the urge to cancel it more than once. He was going to hate me. But we did it out of love and it brought EVERYTHING into THIS MOMENT!
We learned so much about addiction that day, how ONLY LOVE CAN HEAL!  I was hurt, afraid and angry.  I knew I had a choice: react in anger or respond with the true me, in love and compassion. what did he need? What did I need?  It was so powerful. But I was the target of his addiction's anger.  I was sending love out, but it was NOT being returned from him....yet.

It has been a week since I stood up and confronted this beast that has over-taken him and only four days since the intervention. 25 years we have been together and NEVER have we gone more than 24 hours without hearing each other's voice say I love you. It's been 8 days. The not knowing was killing me. Although I know we did the right thing to save him from himself, I prayed for something to hold onto.  A glimpse of the healthy man I missed so much. Out of the blue Tuesday night, he texted each of the kids telling them he loved them and texted me to send things I didn't pack and he would text me later. (i know he isn't suppose to have his phone - he's a very tricky guy, but I am so glad he has it for the kids).  Then last night, after midnight, I received a text from him:  I love you. Good night. 
Love in -- Love out -- and Love from around the world and FINALLY, from him, to lift me up.

A beautiful circle!



change

fall has arrived and with its cooler temperatures were winds of change

Change that I have been gradually been preparing for.  Change that is a stronger, more spiritual, more determined me.  And closer and more open with my amazing children.

My husband's struggles with addiction have surfaced yet again.  I promised this to be the "last stand".  With his most recent lies and manipulation, I feel so betrayed and angry.  But I can NOT act upon this because it has NEVER gotten me what I truely want. Moving gently within LOVE, compassionately for all those involved for all of us are hurting and needing to be understood as well as loved. 

I have received so much support and love from friends, many I have not personally met - only in e-courses! who have provided me the greatest strength, that I can not begin to describe.

I look back over the last year and marvel at how the steps lined up perfectly like a puzzle.

My brother's request to photograph his wedding led me to search for photography e-course and found Susannah Conway's Unravelling, then following her classes and participation in Mindy Tsonas' Wish Studio and Squam Art Workshop, Jess and Michelle's The Declaration of You and Vivienne's You are Your Own Muse.

How each course provided exactly what I needed to make it through this week.

How after attending Squam, I learned to BEGIN with Christine Mason Miller and really knew and believed I could make my creative dreams a reality.  It was within my reach and I could see the steps I needed to follow.

How I Celebrated the acceptance into my first art show with all of you, knowing it is just the first.

How wearing Jen Lee's JUST BE TRUE tshirt empowers me!

How I typed in my declaration of TRUST on Thursday and found myself chanting it over and over to myself on Tuesday night..

"I declare that I can trust that whatever life throws me (fair or unfair), I am truely blessed and already have exactly what I need to survive and thrive."

How learning how to take photos of myself made me stronger, and feel more beautiful; and taking photos of me in THIS MOMENT gave me strength to acknowledge and then let go of the pain.

So this day after Thanksgiving, I am so very thankful for all you! For I am not alone.

My friends who have lifted me up, provided me a foundation to stand, a sisterhood to lean on and a love to share!  

I love you all from the deepest part of who I am. xoxoxo

Facing Giants

In three days, Saturday Nov 6th, I will be walking the DFW Brain Tumor Walk. 
I am walking in memory of my friend Jess, with her family as a team called "Facing Giants".
She was the most beautiful person I have ever known.  She was diagnosed with a tumor three years ago and fought for two years before she died in June of 2009 at the age of 27.  Even though she was very sick, she NEVER stopped living or giving or hoping.  She never wanted to waste a single second she had on this earth.
Every day was a gift.
Every person a friend - a soul she connected to.
Every word she spoke was full of love.
Every word she wrote, when she could no longer speak, was inspiring and insightful.
I ask that you pray for those with brain tumors and their families.  If you can make a donation to help fight brain tumors and inspire hope to those affected, it will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much.
Peace Be With You.